It's 1:36AM Central time. As if anyone could care, because time waits for no one. It marches on and on.
But it does matter for some of us; especially those who have an ounce of creative blood in them. We lay in bed, tossing and turning, cursing ourselves for not being able to fall asleep. Things run through our hearts and minds like ticker tape in the form on color, words, pictures or sounds.
Congratulations. What you may be experiencing (if it hasn't hit you yet) is a masterpiece creating itself before you. Whether it be a song, essay or painting you can't see it coming, but you can watch it unfold.
And ohhhh, the satisfaction that you get when it hits you. Or when you realize the good you've done.
That's how much of my mid to now late 20's has been. Its been an ongoing journey of new beginnings and Renaissance era. I can say this about my life as both a writer, musician, person and student of the world. There's a certain point you become aware that you need to do this and that, or you can't be this way anymore.
Then you realize you're just wasting your time and thought setting rules for yourself that you end up breaking. You learn something new every year about the world and yourself that you never knew before.
That's what you can rely on: experience, not empty promises.
I've been 28 for a little over a month now, and I kept reminding myself before my birthday that "I'll wake up on July 18th, and nothing will be different. I'm going to be the same person, the day is going to unfold. Nothing drastic."
It's not like I expected myself to look in the mirror and suddenly see some older person in the reflection. I've looked 18 for the past 10 years and I've been 5'7" for the past 14 years!
And I was right. Nothing did change. I woke up late from sleeping late the night before, had a wonderful dinner with my family and my best friend. And that was it; another day come and gone.
I can't tell you exactly when it happened during the next couple of weeks, but something did change in me. I never paid attention to the whole "something important happens to you every 7 years" spiel that some people say, but when I look at it, my life did have some drastic changes during each of the seven years.
When I was seven, Nintendo changed my life. It gave me no real friends and countless hours in front of the T.V. burning my eyes out. However, I still have close to perfect vision and don't need glasses.
When I was 14 I got into punk music, which would later on be very influential to my life. I got into bands like Rancid, The Offspring and Face to Face. Me and a few friends would sing song's off of Green Day's "Insomniac" album in class. I almost joined a punk band as well, since I had a friend who played drums and one who was getting into guitar. He was taking lessons, while I was watching a recording of Green Day's '94 Aragon show and mimicking Billie Joe's panic attack twitches and buzzsaw downstrokes on his guitar.
My favorite memory of this was reenacting the entire show in the laundry room of my parent's apartment. I knew all the songs by heart and hammered through them on my brother's amp and guitar.
Of course, I was too shy and timid to do it, so that never happened. Who knows what would have happened if we did form the band and I ended up singing and playing guitar?
Fast forward to seven years later when I became 21. I started my first band. In the punk community, or I guess in any rock music circle, I'd be considered a late bloomer. Kids then and now start early... like 13-14.
Like I would have.
I thought to myself, "Fuck it. I have the passion, I have the drive. I want to do this."
Whatever that is. You can say you have those things, but realize later on that you lacked something more important than those.
Direction.
At 21, I had all these hopes and dreams. I wanted my band to be famous. I wanted to make a difference in the world. I wanted to go on tour, chase the girl of my dreams, and hopefully I'll get her to notice me.
Those kind of lofty, pointless, yet charming dreams. Things you say, things that sound good and important. But at that age, you have no idea what it means.
Everything is a game, and you can dream about it and that's where you'll come out the winner. So, you say screw the real world.
I also became politically charged. I was very unaware and could care less at a younger age, but then I realized that I was an adult now, and this stuff affects my life. I didn't vote when I was 18.
I took many things for granted.
Things tended to slow down when I hit the mid point at 25. It became more of a mid 20s crisis era for me. I failed a lot, and went through times that I never wanted to go through and had thoughts that I never wanted to think.
You feel like either you are working against the jaws of a trash compactor or wondering why the world is against you. Why is life guiding you towards misery? And if you can make it through this period, steer the boat away from the storm, then you're good. I came so close to drowning and letting myself go without a fight.
Then ration kicked me in the groin.
However, I have not reached the point in the story where the Ancient Mariner looks into the sea and finds the serpents beautiful yet (a quick reference to those of you who enjoy Samuel Taylor Coleridge).
By my mid 20s, I already knew that music was a part of my life and it was not going to go away as some phase. I've loved it since I was a kid, and when I started playing in a band, it just clicked. There was a lot of internal struggle. There were immature people who cared more about themselves and getting laid than writing good music, or people who were just there.
I'm no angel either. I had more of this mentality of being some sort of guitar hero in the punk scene and writing impossible stuff hellbent to blow every band out of the water. I was bitter and angry. I didn't like how all the bands had the same moves, clothing, hair-cuts, whiny-voices... and their fans annoyed me just as equally. I drifted more and more from what really mattered, which was good songwriting.
After I turned 25, one thing that I have noticed is that out of the blue, with no reason or rhyme, I started going back and listening to older, defining bands such as the Clash, Husker Du, Social Distortion, the Ramones, the Beatles... just older bands.
I don't know why I did. I mean, it's not my first time discovering them or listening to them like a wide-eyed teenager. But even then it wasn't clear to me what it even meant for me to be listening to them.
More and more I realize that it has come to shape and define who I am now at 28. These bands are not flashy in any way... what stand out are their flawless songwriting. Their lyrics tell a story, have a motive, tell truths. They are time capsules to the world around them from their era.
Kind of like history books, but written by the actual observers. Some of their observations still hold true today.
I look at Joe Strummer, and see how much the world really meant to him. How much he wanted change and did something about it. He wasn't perfect; he went through the bad before he found the good. And even when he was already an important figure, a true icon in Punk, he still was learning and had so much humility in him. He was the kind of guy who would stand outside after a show and make sure he didn't miss an autograph.
Then I look at newer bands like the Gaslight Anthem. The lyrics are not political, but they are poetic, honest, and beautiful. Their music is simple, catchy and filled with melodies. And though I've only seen them through video, they look like they love what they do and they care about their fans. They don't seem them as dollar signs; they see them as friends who come to have a good time.
And that's how it should be. And I ask myself, 'Why can't I have that?"
Then I realize, I can.
If I let myself and follow my heart.
What's changed in me now at 28 is that those things they were said at 21, the passion, the drive, etc., it has a direction and a vision.
I don't want to end up being some kind of 28 year old, man-child. I want to age, grow older gracefully.
I want to contribute something positive in society instead leaving a mess behind or causing one. To know that something good benefited from it and it can inspire people to do something good too. I want to write music that hopefully if I end up getting married (of live in girlfriend, whatever) someday and have kids will make my family proud. I want these songs to mean as much to people as the songs my heroes wrote meant to me. It can't be forced though, and I'm still learning what it means to be a good songwriter and work with the heart and mind in unison.
So I'm trading in all of my flash on guitar for a more solid foundation and stronger sense of feeling. The right ringing of a chord can sonically and emotionally crush a 3 minute hammer on solo.
I want to take care of myself so I can live a long and happy life. I want to write honest, meaningful essays and stories that will either make someone think, laugh, cry, or want to reach through the page and kick my ass. I want to listen to peoples stories and really care about them.
But by doing this I will not sacrifice my quirkiness and my ability to laugh, love and and cause playful havoc. My goal is to live life to the fullest and have a more concrete direction.
I think about the people in my life who've come and gone, and who've come back for some reason to be stronger friends to me who I look upon as brothers and sisters. I'm thankful that those who left are gone, and I don't see that changing. They are the most non-judgmental, intelligent and unique people that I'm proud to know.
And I see my friend Jade entering the phase I went through at 25, and I hope its a smoother ride for her.
These are my thoughts. It's now 3:12 and I'm pretty damn sleepy.
Good Night.
-Jimmy
